A New York News station has recently reported that divorced may be the new single as more and more women are seeing the positive sides to dating and marrying a divorcee.
It’s no secret that divorce is part of our societal fabric. Just from a numbers game, ruling out divorced men could eliminate at least a third of all eligible bachelors for women. But, as divorce is becoming more mainstream women are noticing other benefits of dating men who have been in a previous marriage.
One woman, was 30 and still looking to meet “the one” when she decided she would no longer rule out dating a divorced man. “To me, it showed that they could commit and that they should have learned from the first marriage to know exactly what they want the seond time around,” she says. Four years later she’s happily married to a divorcé she met online, with whom she has a new baby.
RSVP’s relationship expert and psychologist, John Aiken says that more than merely accepting divorcés, women are now viewing divorced men in a positive light, and with good reason. “Most divorced men are in a better state (than bachelors) to make informed choices, and know how to run relationships in a much better way,” he says.
According to dating coach Jane Roder, there’s now more of a stigma attached to 40-something bachelors than there is to divorcés the same age. “My personal view is that the older a man is, if he’s single and never been married, he’s perceived as having commitment issues,” she says. “The single man who’s never committed, there’s a perception of – why not – why hasn’t he done that?”
There’s also the not-so-small matter of children. A divorcé might get the green light, but kids are often a deal-breaker. “It’s a big consideration,” says Roder. “It depends on the individual. Love can conquer many barriers and many people do it, but it is easier for divorced people without children, I think.” If you’re wanting kids of your own, it’s important to establish early on if a divorcé with kids from a previous marriage is willing to have more children, she says.
Another woman, age 38, married a divorcé, with whom she now has three children. “I think they’re better (divorcés) the second time around,” she says. “The only catch in my situation was that he also had a three year old, and I had to deal with the ex-wife. After getting used to things, it was all good. We are very happily married.”
The reason for the divorce, and how the situation has been dealt with, are other factors to consider. “If he’d cheated, I definitely wouldn’t have gone there,” says Eve of her divorcé. It’s also important that the divorcé has moved on fully before entering another relationship. “The most important thing is that those people have left that relationship and that it’s respectful,” says Roder. “If they’re fighting and still angry with somebody, that’s the issue more than anything else because it’s a sign that it’s unfinished business,” she says.
Roder advises people to be very wary of getting involved with someone before a divorce is final. “When somebody has been separated for quite a while and is not divorced, that’s a big warning sign,” she says. “It’s not complete, they’re still attached to the past, and for some reason, the umbilical cord hasn’t been cut.”
Finally, women notice another benefit. Good men who married younger are now out on the market again and available to marry. They’ve grown and learned from their mistakes, understanding what they want in a committed relationship. All experts agree that this is the key to a successful marriage post-divorce. The ability to learn from past mistakes and the willingness to take the chance on commitment again.