Divorce Information Center

Whether to end your marriage is one of the most important and difficult decisions you will ever encounter. While this is an emotional matter, it is important to approach certain aspects of it with an analytical perspective. This is a decision that should take into account numerous issues. Once you review the following list of questions, you may reconsider your goals — or you may be better prepared to move forward while working with an attorney. Contact an experienced family law attorney to help you along the journey.

CHILDREN

• Will your children live with you or your former spouse?
• If the children live with your former spouse, how often do you hope to see them?
• How will you and your ex-spouse make decisions concerning the children’s health care and education?
• Who will pay for the children’s living expenses, education and travel?
• What if your ex-spouse remarries and the stepparent wants to adopt the children?

SUPPORT PAYMENTS

• What about spousal support and child support? Will you receive it or need to pay it? How much and for how long?
• Will the spousal support or child support increase or decrease in the future du to changing financial circumstances, economic conditions or other factors?
• Who will be entitled to claim the children as exemptions for income tax purposes?

YOUR HOME

• Who will live in the marital home during the divorce process?
• Will one of the spouses keep the marital home after the divorce, or will it be sold? How will the proceeds be divided?
• If one party keeps the home, will the other party deed its interest to the first party?
• If the parties decide to sell the home, will both spouses be involved in the sale and closing? Who will decide the listing price and whether a real estate broker will sell the home?
• Who will be responsible for major repairs and the costs of preparing the home for sale?
• Who will be entitled to deduct the mortgage interest charges and property taxes for income tax purposes?
• Who will be responsible for any income (capital gains) taxes that are imposed as a result of the sale of the home?

INSURANCE

• Will you keep life insurance for the benefit of your children?
• Will either party be obligated to provide medical or other insurance for the other? For the children? For how long?
• Who will be responsible for any medical, dental, prescription or hospital expenses of the children that are not reimbursed by insurance?

INCOME TAXES

• Who will be entitled to receive any refund from current and past joint income tax returns?
• If there is a deficiency on any current or past joint income tax returns, who will be responsible for the payment?

For some, divorce may feel like a liberating new beginning. For most, however, it is not so straightforward. The end of a relationship as important as a marriage brings numerous difficult emotions. Indeed, recovering from a divorce is similar to the grieving process one experiences when a loved one dies. The process typically consists of five stages: shock and denial; anger; ambivalence; depression; and recovery. Not everyone experiences these emotions in the same way or in the same order. You may move in and out of a phase more than once, even experiencing more than one phase at a time. It is a difficult and time-consuming process. Family counselors advise that it may take as long as one or two years to truly recover.

Understanding the process and the feelings you may experience will help you to grieve the relationship. It is important to allow yourself the time you need to recover from the traumatic experience of ending a marriage so that you can move on to the next phase of your life. An experienced family law attorney can provide invaluable advice and support throughout the divorce process.

SHOCK AND DENIAL

When it finally becomes clear — through legal action or other confirmation — that your marriage is ending, you may experience shock and denial. The enormity of what is happening may seem like more than you can bear, and the upcoming changes may create feelings of anxiety and panic. A typical way to deal with the extreme emotions is to deny the reality of what is happening and cling to familiar routines. There is comfort in the familiar and a sense of security. Denial allows you to protect yourself from the knowledge that life will change dramatically and the feelings of fear associated with that knowledge. Denial can be an effective short-term coping mechanism as long as it does not create other problems in your life.

ANGER

Feelings of anger characterize the next stage. You may be angry with yourself, your spouse, your parents, your job and everyone else around you. It is a necessary part of the process; unless it is acted out in a destructive way, it can be useful. It is not useful, however, to make the divorce process more adversarial than it needs to be. Allow yourself the time you need to move through your anger. It will help you begin to let go and put emotional distance between you and your spouse. Eventually, you will begin to think of yourself as one person, rather than one half of a couple. Until you are able to do this, it will be difficult to focus on your own needs and begin to build a new life for yourself.

AMBIVALENCE

The third stage, ambivalence, is what can make couples break up and get back together. Ambivalence tends to be present during most of the grieving process for people who are suffering the end of a marriage. The divorce process takes people on an emotional rollercoaster ride: depressed, excited for a new life, angry, disappointed and back again. It is normal to feel out of control and uncertain.

DEPRESSION

Depression is difficult to experience, but it can help you move beyond the past into your new life. If you allow yourself to experience loneliness and confront your role in the end of the relationship, you may then be ready to let go and move on. You may be able to stop placing blame on yourself or your spouse and lose the feelings of anger and ambivalence. Your self-esteem will begin to grow, and you will be ready for the final stage: recovery. It is important to try to maintain your focus; professional counseling has been of great assistance to many during this time.

RECOVERY

Once you reach the recovery stage, you are feeling better about yourself. Your self-esteem may still be shaky, but you are ready to build your new life. The first step is to reestablish your social network. You may maintain the friends you enjoyed with your spouse, but often those relationships are based on the shared interests of the married couples. It could be time to find new people whose company you enjoy and who have similar needs in terms of time and activities.

Eventually, you will begin to feel like a single person and actually be comfortable as one. This is a time when you can get to know yourself and build a new identity that will guide you in making positive choices for yourself in the future.

No matter what stage you’re in, the less you have to worry about, the better. Leave the legal maneuvering to an experienced family law attorney who can support you as you evolve throughout the divorce process.

Divorce is one of the most emotional experiences you will ever face. The decision to end a marriage is not an easy one, and often it is accompanied by anger, fear and resentment. The negative emotions associated with divorce are responsible for more than hurt feelings; they affect the legal process and its outcome. Most importantly, if children are involved, they can be deeply distressed. It is in your family’s interest to approach divorce from an amicable perspective; this can spare you a great deal of time, money and heartache. An experienced family law attorney can help you deal with your situation clearly and objectively.

The more hostile the divorce, the more difficult it will be to resolve the legal issues that surround it. Questions of spousal support, division of property and custody can be contentious.

When it comes to child custody, the court will want to ensure that all decisions are made in the best interests of the children. It is in your interests, therefore, to work toward agreement with your spouse on how custody will be apportioned, keeping in mind how important it is for the children to have both parents in their lives (unless abuse or neglect is involved). If you come to court with a custody agreement in hand, the court is more likely to accept your and your spouse’s wishes. In addition, after the legal maneuvering is over, you and your former spouse will need to work together to make important parenting decisions. If you can come to an agreement on custody, you are more likely to cooperate with each other later.

Accepting that the divorce is happening and making the best of the situation goes a long way toward quelling conflict. So does choosing not to go over past disagreements in your mind; refusing to let go can be a form of denial. This is a time to look forward. Though divorce can be painful, it is also the beginning of a new life. Acknowledge your pain (and your spouse’s pain) and make a plan for moving on. Instead of using the divorce process as a way to win an argument, see if you can use it as a way to resolve an argument.

If you decide to pursue a divorce, you can make it more amicable. When you fight to have your side prevail at all costs, you force the other person to fight against you. If you are committed to finding solutions that work for both of you, the resistance against you begins to dissolve. It is hard to fight someone who is on your side. An experienced family law attorney can be your best ally in achieving a beneficial resolution. Contact a family law attorney who is interested in helping you reach an amicable resolution.